Parenting

Many people can be involved in parenting a child. Some people in parental roles include:

• Biological parent: the person who contributed the egg or sperm that combined to conceive the child and whose genes are passed on to the child.
• Adoptive parent: someone who has completed all legal requirements as outlined by a court to become the legal parent of a child.
• Legal guardian: a person who cares for a child’s interests and has the legal authority to make decisions related to the child’s welfare.
• Foster parent: an adult who may or may not be biologically related to a child who has been removed from his or her home, but who has committed to taking responsibility to provide shelter, daily care, basic needs, and love to the child.
• Stepparent: a person who is not biologically related to the child and is married to or in a long-term relationship with one of the child’s parents. Although stepparents do not have legal rights to make decisions for their stepchildren, they live in the same home and often take on a parenting role. In addition, one of the child's legal parents sometimes delegates their rights to their partner, the stepparent.
• Extended family: the family members who are part of a person's family tree through birth, marriage, remarriage, or adoption. Some examples include auntie, uncle, grandparent, and great-grandparent.

Parents experience stages or transitions while raising children just as children go through their own stages of development. For more information on the stages of development, see: Development Across the Lifespan.

There are six stages of parenting, as developed by Ellen Galinsky and adapted for this manual.

Each of these parenting stages comes with its own set of rewards and challenges, and parents may doubt their ability to care for their children or experience feelings of anxiety due to their current stage of parenting. Other factors unrelated to childrearing may also be present and trigger stress. If a parent needs additional behavioral health support, contact your supervisor for guidance.

If a child reports being abused or neglected, BHA/Ps (and other behavioral health providers) are required to report this to the appropriate authorities. See: Mandatory Reporting and Duty to Warn.

Parenting can be a challenging adventure regardless of how a family is created or the family’s specific dynamics. Just as no two individuals are exactly alike, no two parenting styles are identical.

The parenting styles used in raising a child can have a lifelong impact. There are three primary styles of parenting:

• Authoritarian Parenting consists of rules that are identified and enforced by the parent with little to no involvement from the child. If a child questions the rules imposed, she might be dismissed or punished for attempting to challenge the rules.
• Authoritative Parenting is similar to the Authoritarian style in that this style also employs rules. The difference is that a child might be allowed or encouraged to ask questions and may also work with the parent in identifying the rules the child will be expected to follow. Consequences are given instead of punishments and those consequences can be positive or negative. For example, a child may receive a reward for meeting a goal and may lose a privilege for not meeting that goal.
• Permissive Parenting doesn’t typically include a set of rules or consequences when rules aren’t followed. Parents who engage in this style tend to take on the role of “friend” instead of “parent.” Children may struggle with following healthy boundaries and expectations as they aren’t usually monitored by the parent.

Other examples of parenting styles, which may also be used in tandem with the three primary styles, include the following:

• Positive Parenting offers guidance and discipline in a positive way and does not use shame or corporal punishment (e.g., spanking).
• Attachment or Natural Parenting promotes regular touch and empathy between parent and child to promote the parent-child bond.
• Unconditional Parenting means giving unconditional love in response to a child's requests, behaviors, and perspectives. This is not the same as accepting all behavior.
• Spiritual Parenting emphasizes the importance of parents trusting the guidance they receive from spiritual beliefs and practices when responding to the child's needs, requests, and behavior.
• Slow Parenting (also called simplicity parenting) gives the child the opportunity to explore life and learning at an individual pace and through activities initiated by the child, not led by the parent.
• Helicopter Parenting is when parents hover or immerse themselves in the child's experiences beyond what is appropriate to the child's age and developmental level. This may continue even when the child is no longer a minor. Helicopter parents take over or influence activities that the child individually should do, learn, and/or be accountable for.
• Village or Extended-Family Parenting happens when parents aren't the only ones parenting the child. Parents may call on grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other relatives from their family of origin to assist in childrearing.
• Uninvolved Parenting is when parents have little knowledge of their children’s whereabouts or behavior. Children might be expected to fend for themselves and have little adult supervision to rein them in when they are contemplating making poor choices.

In the same way that family units have evolved over the years, so have parenting styles. Some families use more than one parenting style to raise children. Others follow the traditions of the generations that came before them.

Parents who come to counseling sessions may be struggling with issues related to their own childhoods or want to break the cycle of abuse and neglect that they experienced while growing up. When parents contact you with a desire to improve their parenting skills and relationships with their children, it is important to praise and encourage them for making this decision, even if the changes they need to make contradict traditional or cultural teachings. If, while discussing parenting styles with the family, you identify that the parents or other caregivers in the home are struggling with how they were raised or with other past trauma, you may want to talk privately with them. If necessary, refer to: Trauma and Posttraumatic Stress.

Talk with the parents and children to help the family identify the parenting style or styles used in the family home. Remember, there may be several family members to engage, depending on the size, structure, and dynamics of the family unit involved. See the engaging caregivers section of Chapter C-2 for information on how to engage family members in sessions and be sure to get a Release of Information before speaking with someone who is not the child’s legal guardian.

Since families are made up of different subsystems with their own unique qualities, trials, and rewards, it is important to not compare one family to another. Instead, encourage the special aspects of each family system in order to grow a family’s self-esteem and positivity. This increases opportunities for parents and children to communicate and build healthy relationships.

One way you can support parents is by helping them pair their strengths with those of their children to foster the best possible family relationships. Encourage parents to:

• Ask their children open-ended questions. Asking open-ended questions usually result in answers that are not simply "yes" or "no." Doing so helps initiate conversations about each family member’s daily activities. This allows families to talk about more difficult topics when they arise. Some examples of open-ended questions include:
  • How was your day at school?
  • What is something you learned today?
  • What is something you are excited about this week?
  • What is something you are worried about this week?
  • What fun things have you done with your friends this week?
• Engage in different kinds of communication with their children. This may include storytelling, singing together, playing games, or writing letters to one another, for example.
• Learn and understand the two components of communication: talking and listening. They can practice both skills with their children in family sessions. For families struggling with communication problems, see: Communication Problems.
• Use talking games like The Ungame, Dr. Playwell’s Communicating Feelings game, or Feelings Flashcards. These can help parents and children learn to communicate and enhance their communication skills.
• Strive for unconditional acceptance of their children regardless of their children’s differences. Expecting children to behave only in a certain manner or adhere only to specific religious beliefs can cause conflict between parents and children. Forcing children to participate in specific activities identified by the parents that the child may not thrive in can also negatively affect the parent-child relationship.

Remind parents and elders to demonstrate love, healthy boundaries, and unconditional positive regard to the young people in their care.

In addition to communicating with their children, parents need to communicate with one another. Miscommunication can lead to conflict, hurt feelings, and confusion. It can also cause complications for children. If parents are not communicating with each other, they may be giving different, and even contradictory, rules and consequences to their children.

Communication between parents takes on an added dimension when a child’s parents are separated and again when a stepparent joins the family. You can help by encouraging the parents to be respectful and kind to their former partners’ new significant others and modeling that example for them in joint family sessions. Though it can be difficult for parents to see their children engaging with a new stepparent, working through those feelings not only aids the family in growing stronger but shows children how to build deep and meaningful relationships.

Parents who have open lines of communication will have better results when disciplining their children. This is also true for co-parents or single parents who have help raising their children. In single-parent situations, the parent needs to communicate clearly with the grandparents, daycare providers, or babysitters who are helping raise the children.

The word “punishment” is often used interchangeably with "discipline," yet the two words have different definitions as well as different outcomes.

• Punishment means creating a negative experience for a child in response to a behavior without teaching the child how to do the right thing. Because it focuses on the misbehavior, it's less effective than discipline and consequences.
• Discipline takes a positive approach to correction by teaching a child why a behavior is unwanted and helping the child make changes. It allows the child to participate in wanted or positive behavior.
• Consequences can be positive or negative and are the natural or logical results of one’s behavior. An example of a natural consequence is when an adolescent stays up all night watching TV and has to go to school tired the next day. A parent-enforced consequence might be not allowing a child to have dessert if he doesn’t eat enough healthy food or rewarding a child with extra play time for completing homework early.
• Positive reinforcement is when parents notice a child engaging in positive behavior and offer verbal praise or rewards for that behavior. It can involve a formal reward system or simply be a focus on celebrating positive behavior. Rewards can be age-appropriate objects or activities the child can do with the parent or other loved one. They can also be as simple as a high five or sticker.
• Extinction is when parents give little to no attention to a child’s negative behavior. As the negative behavior goes unnoticed, the child loses interest in engaging in it and learns to engage in positive behavior in order to receive attention. When this happens, the negative behavior goes away.

Avoid using the phrases “good kid” and “bad kid,” as children are often unable to separate their identity from their behavior. Instead, encourage parents to talk about the child’s behavior: “good work” or “that was a bad choice” are some alternatives. A child who is told she is a “bad kid” may interpret this to mean she is a bad person and therefore unable to be “good.” It is the responsibility of parents, adult caregivers, family members, elders, teachers, and community role models to help children understand the difference.

Praising children for things such as completing age-appropriate chores, helping elders in the community, doing their best with their school work, and playing nicely with others lets children know they are being noticed for their positive behavior. This is necessary for building up self-esteem and encouraging children to try new things. Praising children also helps solidify the relationship between children and parents.

As children grow and develop, rules that were put into place may need to change. Instead of having a rule that they can’t play tag in the house, for example, they may need a rule about being home on time for curfew. No matter how the rules change, it is important to remember three things:

• Parents or adult caregivers and children who work together to create and modify rules will be more successful in implementing and following them.
• Parents who communicate openly and honestly with one another and with their children will have stronger relationships.
• Parents who demonstrate unconditional love to their children will raise children who are more confident, secure, and independent.

Children may grow up to look like their parents and even share some of the parents’ mannerisms. However, teaching parents how to raise autonomous children can help them grow their children into healthy individuals.

Raising an autonomous child means that the parents feel confident in their little one’s individuality and unique role in the world. To encourage autonomy, parents might:

• Help the child to explore interests, even if those interests change over time.
• Allow the child to try new activities or food.
• Let the child express herself verbally and emotionally while still demonstrating respect toward others.

The term “mini me” is often used by parents whose children look like tiny versions of Mom or Dad. Yet parents may be surprised when their child begins to develop a personality or interests that are rather different than theirs. Understanding the concept of autonomy is key to reducing the risk of conflict and unhealthy expectations.

Watching a child develop into her own personality can be daunting for the parents, as autonomy can be similar to watching a child let go of or dismiss the parents’ earlier teachings. This is not rebellion on the child’s part (though it may look like it from time to time), but is instead part of the child growing up and developing her own worldview and belief systems. Providing an atmosphere of safety in which the child can communicate her fears and put her views on life to the test will help keep the relationship between parent and child strong.

Parents and elders have important and valuable traditions and beliefs they may want to pass down to younger generations. While these values and traditions are important to physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental growth, some children may wish to develop and identify new traditions and values. It is important for families to talk about these differences and allow each family member to grow into her own unique person.

When a baby joins a family, she becomes a high priority for her parents. They change their schedules to meet her demands of eating, sleeping, and having her diaper changed. If a child has special needs, a parent may sacrifice a job to be home with the child in order to provide additional care and attention. All of the child's needs have to be met by the parents, and this can cause the parents to ignore their own personal needs.

Parents need to practice good self-care in order to meet their children’s needs for the long haul. For example, parents can focus on giving themselves:

• Sleep.
• Good nutrition.
• Personal hobbies.
• Date nights.
• Time with friends.

It is okay and natural for parents (even new parents) to want to spend time away from their children. As long as there is a responsible, safe, age-appropriate individual caring for their children, parents should not feel guilty about spending occasional time away. When parents ignore their own needs after a child arrives, they can develop feelings of resentment toward the child or the other parent. Ignoring those needs can also increase stress and conflict between the parents and even result in poor health if parents aren’t taking care of themselves.

Parents may need support and encouragement as they work through feelings associated with spending time away from their children. Encourage them to explore feelings of guilt and happiness about this topic. Helping parents find balance between parenting, individual activities, couple time, and family gatherings is important. Parents who have well rounded, balanced lives are less stressed—and their children will be less stressed, too.